quarta-feira, 2 de dezembro de 2009
I went to Cascais because I could not allow myself to leave without smelling again the bark of my dear aucalyptus trees. For a second I wanted to give up, it was crazy to go to a city just to smell some leaves and barks. Who on Earth does that? ... I went to my dear Cascais park, full of flowers and peacocks and filled my lungs with the lovely smell. I think I must have looked like a lost, crazy person walking around with her nose in the air, but to be honest, I did not care. On my way back I took the train, made friends with the policemen and finally missed one train. Of course, like an authentic tourist, I stopped in Belém to get my pasteis de Belém with me to Romania. For a few minutes I had a huge panick attack when I could not Picture myself without being able to take my car and drive it on marginal again. I managed to get away from those feelings but they were quite powerful. I got my pasteis, I jumped into the bus and went back home. I started to pack and unpack, and pack and unpack again trying to make the best choices so that I would not take more than 20kg with me. And then....I went to Bairro Alto for a short night out, a night with caipirinha and wine. I got back home, woke up early to get the plane, said goodbye with tears all over my face to my dear Tejo and my flowers and went away....got into the airport and as every single thing stopped working before I left (it all started on my birthday when I had a car accident, then my whole house kept falling apart piece by piece, the bucket broke, the heater stopped working 2 days before I left, the tv receiver refused to start working again one week before I left, the bathroom bulb exploaded one night before, everything was falling apart and I was only assisting at this show of events ....silently, smiling, wondering-what next? I even thought about people who did not want me there anymore....), the car battery collapsed and the driver had to call somebody else to move the car back home. At the airport I managed to negotiate nicely and efficiently so that I did not have to pay extra luggage for the 27kg luggage (when the maximum was 20kg) and I wished the guy at the counter the very best in life. Madrid was a nightmare. I kept receiving goodbye sms that only made me realize more and more what I have lost, I could not stop crying and I was alone in this turmoil of feelings. And then I got angry on the Romanian flight attendants, I wanted to make them understand what genuine kindness means, how genuine smiles come from the heart but I gave up on that battle.
Crossroads. Shinny crossroads that I met. Some look not as glamourous but I know deep in my heart (to be honest very deep, where I can hardly see) that they hide opportunities. I have to say my “thank you” for all the bliss that I lived, for being one of the few who were chosen to be allowed to dream with open eyes, to be one of the few able to have a way too special connection with the Portuguese air and sky and Sun that to feel that I was in tune with everything and everybody. In the meantime I have turned into a frightened hedgehog who is waiting silently for other opportunities, who sometimes wishes it could erase memory like in “Eternal Sunshine of A Spoteless Mind” and move on, but who knows that erasing all these will make erase all the beautiful, unique moments. A colleague of mine asked me before I left “why are you so sad? Have you left behind a Great love?”, another one asked me “hey, if you left a guy behind I will make him keep you here” – I have no idea but I know that as childish and naive and now repetitive it may seem, the answer is “yes”, I have left behind a great love of mine ... and maybe something else as well. I had rituals and things that I wanted to take with me hoping that keeping them will make me go back in time – there is no replacement though for the real thing so I am quietely and wisely waiting again for the 'real thing'. I brought with me Portuguese cheese, quijadas de leite, quijadas de requijão and ....imagine....a box of Carcavelos sand, in which I imagined I would immerse my toes and go back again straight to the beach. I love you Portugal. I am learning a lesson now, a not very pleasant one, the lesson of being humble. I think this is because for a while I thought that I belonged there, maybe I dared for too much when it was not the case....
Anyhow....I will be back and in the meantime I will get so happy that you would believe I have forgotten Portugal, but that will only be a trick – the trick of being happy before something very special. I have learned that success and failure are equally important, that love and loss are equally powerful, that beauty and lack of it are equally fascinating and I have learned that life takes you where you should be every single moment. This is where I have to be now, grateful and happy for everything. I am sending all my love for those special people in the Algarve and further South :-) for all those dear ones from O Porto and Alentejo, for all those hidden ones in Lisbon, for all those who have certainties and huge doubts, for all those who are not capable of taking the “right” decisions, for all those who listen to their hearts and not their minds, for all those who made me learn something during all this time, for all those who made me think about Sting’s words “I must love what I destroy and destroy the things I love”, for all those who made me believe and live the present moment and less the future, thank you all for letting me meet you. May your lives all be as beautiful as I want mine to be. Bless you. I will wait for you all, one by one to climb with me the beautiful Romanian mountains and then to sail the sea in the Azores and ride the motorcycles on Marginal. See ya! :-)) kiss kiss